Training A Bear

Ah yes, the ever illusive "training a bear" post that no blog can survive without. Why might you want to do this? SIMPLE! Who doesn't want to bring a little bit of style and class to the animal world?


As you can guess, This is the goal we have in mind. Now, according to Doug Seus (famous bear tamer/researcher), there are a few easy steps to get to our goal. Just use these simple tricks and you'll be on the fast track to classy and stylish wildlife.

1. Blow warm air into the bear's nose. This may seem awkward and kinda kinky, but I assure you that it is a good thing. It reassures the bear that it is safe and in a loving home. Just don't do this when it is going "rawr" and in a rage, or you will get mauled.
   
2. Slowly introduce them into scary things. Give them a little of it and work your way up to the big change. Don't go too fast or you will get mauled.
   
3. Don't let them get into a hobby! Just like Winnie the Pooh, they get into routines pretty easily. If you don't let this happen, they can adjust to changes easier and have less of a chance at mauling you.
4. Keep it simple, stupid! Just like that kid that eats paste during lunch, bears can only handle simple commands, one at a time. If you wish to teach them, "go to the fridge, grab a beer, and bring it to me" you might have to teach it each step one at a time. Remember: Thinking is hard. Hard means annoying. Annoying means you get mauled.
   
5. Talk to it. Again, similar to the kid that eats paste, if you talk to it, it will like you and do your every command! Mwahahahahahahaha! (or it will snap and maul you)
6. Random Reward System! Woo! As per psychology majors, if you use a random reward system of conditioning, you will get a much better result. Gambling = addicting. "Push button get banana" = mauled by bear.
   
7. Make it fun. Teach the bear through games. If you don't, it will maul you. twice. in the face.
   

And there you go! Just follow these steps and you'll be FINE. Don't follow them and you shall be mauled. ^_^